RESIT

It's 5AM and I am wide awake.

I just had my Finance & Accounting resit exam yesterday morning. It's a resit because yours truly decided last minute to not attend the first sit last October, a decision which seemed like a pretty good idea back then, but one that I've begun to regret.

So last year I had this course, combined with Management of Organisations right after summer break. I just came back from Malaysia, was feeling really depressed and lonely, was trying to get myself into the study momentum again after taking a break for two months and I was really busy with SCOPE as it was officially my first month working. To be honest, I was just so busy dealing with so many things that I did not have the time to study. Finance is a subject I never really liked, already had the basics last year and still not a fan of it. Usually for me, if I like something, I'm usually gonna do well at it coz I'm passionate about it, you know? But if I don't like something, I really just can't seem to get it right.

To make things worse, my tutor was so so bad. Tutorials are there for us to learn and understand the subject better, but everyone was just so clueless. Our tutor doesn't guide us, he doesn't tell us if what we do is right, or when we ask how to do it, he doesn't help us at all; basically he just sits there silently in the classroom. I think everyone in my tutorial can attest to how sucky it was. Our tutorials usually end after 20 minutes (the original time allocated is 2 hours), I mean it felt really awesome back then to be able to leave early lol, but there's a price to pay for that.

Anyway, by the end of the period I was just super lost. I really tried to understand it, but nothing seemed to click (you know how that feels?), which frustrated me. The more I tried but still not understand anything, the more frustrated I got. I changed my way of studying a couple of times and did many past papers, still there was only minimal change, and it was not good enough for me.

So one hour before the exam last year, I decided that I wasn't going to attend it. It was a really last minute decision, I really did try to study till the very end. It's so unlike me to ever skip an exam, that was actually the first time in my entire life. My reasoning was pretty good though, or sounded like it back then. In my university, if you fail the first or don't attend an exam, you'll be automatically registered for the resits. However, if you pass the first sit, no matter how good or bad or do, as long as you pass on the passing mark, you are not allowed to do the resits again. A few options came to mind that day: 1) I could fail this exam, then just go to the resits; 2) I might pass this exam but only on the passing point and bring down my GPA; or 3) I could sit out on this, study my ass off afterwards, and then get a better grade in the resits, that way my GPA is saved. Which would you have chosen?

I chose option 3 obviously, but it's not going that well. I didn't consider the fact that I would have no time to "study my ass off". I just finished another two exams around two weeks ago, then there was Christmas and New Year's, and then this exam. For the past week I've been staying awake the entire night studying, like literally. I only sleep for an average of one hour every morning, then I continue again. I'm a big procrastinator and I get distracted really easily so I needed all the time I could get. I don't usually drink coffee coz it makes me feel sick and dizzy, but last week coffee was my best friend.

I think those who know me know that I don't sleep a lot, I guess I've been used to this since my high school days. This usually happens when I'm preparing for an exam, I could go days or even weeks with barely any sleep, then once it's over, I crash and sleep for like 16 hours to recharge. It's not healthy and I wouldn't recommend it to anyone, but it works for me. However, for the past week I've been getting constant nose bleeds, probably due to the dry and cold weather, and my skin is also like splitting up and bleeding too because of that; my face is breaking out, my dark circles and eyebags are horrendous and I'm down with a fever now. I've been having trouble breathing due to my blocked nose, and I also briefly fainted a few days ago, no big deal lol. I'm basically falling apart. All of this would have been worth it, but... I feel like I did extremely bad on my paper yesterday. I wrote till the last minute, the invigilator basically had to pry the paper off my hands, there were so many questions that I studied for and should've been able to answer but I for the love of God couldn't remember how. Seriously, why are we not allowed a formula sheet in the exam?!

Sighh... I'm just feeling really shitty right now. I wanna sleep but my body is not letting me to, and I'm supposed to wake up early today. The answers are supposed to be published today, so I will update you guys if I pass or not, but I'm not feeling that confident about it. Alright, I'll try to get a few hours of sleep in now.

Good morning to all you lovelies out there and have a great day! 🌞